You probably guessed my last post featured the pattern of revenge. Today’s exercise asks us to do the activity again — pick a pattern, sketch a plot — but this time to mix two different patterns. I want to mix a love pattern, with another kind of pattern, one that was never mentioned in Mr Bell’s book. That pattern is the heist. Here it goes!
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Act I. We are introduced to a mixed bag of various mythological gods. The lead is the god of thieves, a cunning and crafty youth. His mother tells him that unless he provides the clan an heir before the next solar eclipse then he will lose his status as an immortal. Being a good sort of god, he promises to uphold the family fame. But being a lazy thief, he also asks when the next solar eclipse will be. “In 500 years? Sweet.” He spends the whole time partying, getting nymphs drunk, and doing a bunch of ne’er-do-wells favors. Eventually, the year of the eclipse catches up to him. So he must marry as soon as possible. All the good gods are taken by then, except for two. The goddess of fruit and female beauty, a total bombshell who feels she is too good for any other god, so would rather die than live on with all her boring loser sibling gods. And there is also the god of competition and male perfection, a total stud who believes he has a shot at marrying this other goddess, love being the only game he hasn’t tried. When the lead approaches the goddess with his proposal, he offers her a golden key which can open or close any door. But just then the god of competition shows up with a magic wand that can induce in someone the greatest ecstasy or the greatest pain. The goddess of beauty laughs at both men and says she has no need for such trifles, since she is already so beloved that people open and close doors for her anyway, while at the same time they would adore her for all time, whether or not she pleased or hurt them at all. The thief then, taking advantage of her vanity, convinces her that by marrying one of them she would become the most beautiful wife of all time. And so the goddess agrees to marry whoever brings her the biggest diamond. Since one is a master sportsman and the other a master thief, it seems fair enough.
Act II. The biggest diamond in the world is the size of a human heart. And it is held by the most ruthless and jealous king on the planet. He has been told by his prophets that as long as his family held on to the diamond he empire will only win in battles even against the gods. Also it was the dowry of his mighty sorceress wife. So the king feels pretty attached to it. The god of competition decides to wage a war against the king. Although he knows he cannot win any battle, his strategy is to lay siege long enough to get inside the castle and steal the diamond before the thief does. The thief meanwhile is a bit more cunning. He learned during a party years earlier that the king has a daughter who feels neglected by her mighty father. “He only ever loved that rock,” she confesses to him. Together with the princess, the thief pulls strings to get to the diamond before the competitor does. Coincidentally this all aligns with a solar eclipse party the king and sorceress queen are holding — basically a war ceremony. The competitive god takes advantage of the heightened pride to attack various outlying cities, and draw the king’s army out, for an all out battle at his city’s gates. Fire, ice, poison, magic, dragons, gods, everything goes to this battle, which the defending party is convinced they will win. Meanwhile the princess has sneaked the thief god into the heart of the castle, where the heart diamond is. At the end of a series of traps and mazes, the two find some of the other god’s minions killed by the final beast guarding the treasure. This assures them, falsely, that they are safe to open the treasure door and retrieve the world’s biggest diamond. What they don’t know is that the god of competition has a hideous half-animal man following them. What ends up happening is the god of thieves and the princess finally make it to where the diamond is. But instead of getting it right away the two of them look into each other’s eyes and discover that they very much love one another. Maybe it’s the power of the stone, or its the adventure, or their partnership, or how they always laugh and play together. Whatever it is, they fall to the ground and make beautiful love, as the walls of the city outside start to crumble.
Act III. Once the stone has been removed from its pedestal, the king loses his ]invincibility. Thus the god of competition turns the tide of the siege to his favor. The king and sorceress are captured, then murdered. Meanwhile the grotesque minion, taking advantage of the sleeping lovers, snags the diamond and runs out to meet his master who finds the seat of his new throne very comfortable. He almost doesn’t want to meet the goddess of beauty, but decides his victory will be made all the sweeter if he married, especially with the protection of the heart diamond. Now, when the god of thieves wakes up he doesn’t even care about the diamond, or the goddess of beauty, or immortality. He has found, at last, true love. “Whether I am remembered or I live forever doesn’t matter any more.” The princess congratulates her lover on his new found zen, but tells him that she still belongs to this land which has been taken over by the god of competition. And, “Would you help me stop him from becoming its overlord?” The god of thieves agrees to do what he does best, getting things stolen. If he can present the stone to the goddess first, then he can prevent the other god from marrying her, prevent him from ruling over his new girlfriend’s land, and pretty much save the day. Pulling all the favors he can, he gets neighboring inn keepers to delay the god of competition. Doctors come also to delay him. Repairmen. Politicians. All sorts of wacky characters prevent the god of competition from reaching the land of the gods in any quick manner. This gives the two lovers time to plan a final scheme. It involves the princess seducing the god of competition, in order to have him marry her instead. After a night of sex, which makes it look like the god of competition will marry her, the god decides to go on with his plan and marry the goddess of beauty. “Why not have had both?” he says as he blows with laughter. Slighted, and a little disgusted with his lover, the god of thieves regrets ever having loved his partner in crime. He goes for the stone himself in the dead of night. Outwitting all the guards and all the traps, the god of thieves sneaks into the master tent, replaces the diamond with a quartz look alike, and disappears. Being a bit of a blockhead, the god of competition can’t tell the difference between the two gems. He shows up to the goddess of beauty and presents her with the quartz. The goddess, furious, slaps the god of competition for taking her for a fool. She vows never to marry him or any other tasteless twat. He banished himself to a life of perpetual one night stands, pick up plays, and treating love like a game with winners and losers. The god of thieves sees all this, but decides in the end not to give this horrible goddess the beautiful diamond. He instead brings it to his mother, who recognizes the rock as something she had owned in her childhood. She laments her soon to be mortal son. “Even if you got married today, it wouldn’t be soon enough for you to give an heir. Sorry.” The lead almost feels bad about that, but knows in his heart that even worse is having left his true love after what he put her through. Thus he asks his mother for one last favor as a god. “Make me a ring from that heart.” The mother obliges, gives her son her blessing, and watches him step out of their home, go down the mountain, and meet the love of his life. She there at the castle, helping her people to repair the city walls. Waiting for him.